A scary situation

So I spent last night in the hospital... Or maybe it was just considered this morning. I started having terrible abdominal cramps at 9pm and called my OB by 9:45. She instructed me to take anti gas meds, acetaminophen and lots of water and if I wasn't feeling better in an hour, to call her. By 10:45 I was doubled over in pain, so bad in fact, I was crying and moaning and scaring the living shit out of my dogs. I tried changing positions, standing, lying on my left and even down on all fours. No dice, still had stabbing pains across my upper stomach and was sure I was going to die.

I hesitated calling my OB again, sure it was gas or something ridiculous and didn't want to waste anyone's time, she sent me to the ER. So I texted Adam at work at 11:30 and told him we needed to go to the ER. Poor guy had been working since noon on less than 5 hours of sleep and was so upset by a sick pregnant wife made worse by the thought of another sleepless night followed by 12+ hours of grueling work. But he hightailed it home and made a 20 minute drive in 7 minutes, I shit you not.

The dogs are frantic, pacing in circles, I'm propped up on a chair and the piano trying not to moan so loud as to wake my neighbors when Adam gets home and rushes me to the ER. After taking my blood pressure and other vitals they determine I'm not in labor, which I knew for sure. I know it's my first time and all but I'm pretty sure I know the difference between a contraction of my uterus and stabbing pains under my ribs shooting to my belly. I also have to mention that there was a lot of fetal movement. In fact, the baby was enjoying the heck out of my pain. with every moan there was an aftershock of his swift kick straight to my belly button.

So I head up to the maternity ward for some drugs. Which made the baby start disco dancing. I could actually feel his Saturday Night Fever like maneuvers. But hey, we were both on morphine and feeling much better. Fast forward 2 hours to the ultrasound. Baby is fine and I am fine on paper, still having stabbing pains. They determine it must be gas. And yes folks that's the end of my story, I was rushed to the hospital at midnight because I couldn't stand GAS PAINS. The nurse asked if I had outlined a birthing plan and what kind of pain management was I looking at. WEEEELLLLL, I had planned natural birth, but hell, if I can't stand some gas, then I would love a fucking epidural.

And might I ask what kind of gas this is anyways? Not that you want to know, but there hasn't been a toot out of me since yesterday morning. It's not like I'm a fart machine, but pregnant women are known to be gassy. Apparently all my organs are so smushed that some major gas bubbles just get stuck in there and may take hours to exit! That is foul, it's going to be like a sewage spill when the gas finally escapes.

As for me, I'm still in pain this morning, not stabbing pains but aching like I have been punched in the stomach repeatedly. And this is after a nice dose of morphine and 2 percocet. So what have I learned? No more gassy foods, for real yo. I have no problem saying goodbye to broccoli but I'm not looking forward to cutting out the fructose, that has been my life blood since day 1 of pregnancy. Goodbye my yummy acidic fruits; no more pineapple cherries, citrus and hello boring apples and bananas. And goodbye flavor; no more onions, garlic, and red pepper.

But I'm okay with it for sure. I will do nearly anything to stay out of the hospital until at least the last week of April. And FYI I burped during writing that last paragraph adn the baby gave a little kick... We may be on our way to recovery.